A simple retro website
2023-06-16
I really don't know where to begin with this post so I'm just going to start writing and see where it goes. 1 1/2 years ago on December 17, 2021 my older borther committed suicide. Unfortuneatly, this was not an altogether unexpected result. Rodd had suffered from bouts of depression his entire life. They would come every few years and they'd get his medication adjusted until he was feeling better and Rodd would thrive for another few years until that medication stopped working. This last time around nothing seemed to help and towards the end there was really not much left of him that I remember. Thanksgiving of 2021 may have been the most challenging day of my life as I saw what amounted to a zombie of a man clearly trapped in his own personal hell.
Rodd did not have history on his side either. You see, our dad took his own life as well in 1991. 30 years elapsed between these two events in my life. Considering I'm now 42 years old that accounts for the vast majority of my life lived.
For 30 years I lived in denial. Denial that anything was wrong. I heard and told myself that everything was fine. That I had no ill-effects from this childhood trauma.
There were other events too. After my mom got remarried just a couple short years later we moved to new school district. I was very nervous but initial returns were good. I was having an opportunity for a fresh start. It all came crashing down when I was singled out in the cafeteria in front of everyone and accused of "getting caught masturbating in the bathroom" Unfortuneatly, this rumour stuck all the way through High School with the nickname "sticky fingers". Needless to say this made it very challenging to make new friends and left me feeling even more like an outcast. This feeling continued through College. I always tried to fit into a crowd that I thought I was "supposed" to fit into or what I thought I wanted.
I've always had difficulty letting go of people but also very rarely connected with people on an intimate level. Of course this can be traced back to the fact that I had never connected with myself on an intimate level. I had no relationship with myself or any type of Higher Power. I stuffed every feeling, ran from emotions and learned to control people in order to avoid anything negative that I was unable to process. I avoided any external conflict whatsoever which resulted in roiling inner conflict that came out as anxiety, self-loathing, and just an empty, numb feeling.
Don't get me wrong, I played my role well. I built a successful career, got married, had 3 kids, I was able to provide for my family. You know, all the things society expects you to do and all the things I thought I was supposed to do to have a "happy" life. But in reality, I wasn't living. I was avoiding much of life. Worried about what others would think or that I would upset them. Avoiding anything that was hard (especially emotionally hard). I was just going throught the motions of life. Full-blown survivial mode for 30 years and I didn't even know it.
I had so little self-confidence that I was afraid to take any chances. I held onto people and ideas that were familiar so that I could feel safe. I was terrified of being "lost". I now understand why...being lost was being vulnerable. It meant having to figure things out and not having any one to fall back on. Alone, without the manual. Which is kind of ironic considering how well I did for myself in survival mode. Why was I so afraid to live? The answer is simply that I didn't even know what it meant. For all I knew, I was living. Hell, this is what I saw everywhere. I was modelling everything I had seen growing up and just thought "hey, this is happiness"
I took it as a point of pride that my wife and I never faught. Never. Looking back now I know that's because I didn't put up any resistance! I had no ideals, no standards, no boundaries because I did not know who I was. I missed out on that and just moved to the next "safe" place. I played the role of a man but was not really one. I leaned on my wife to take care of the finances because I was too scared to do it myself because I didn't think I could. Anything challenging I would put off or ignore until it went away. Avoiding difficult situations, difficult conversations. Sacrificing my values and myself just to remain "comfortable" All the while I'm boiling inside.
I can acknowledge all of this today and am very aware of my codependent behaviors. It's a daily struggle for me. But there is a growing inner peace that is hard to explain. An acceptance of who I am, what I've been through, and what I'm able to provide. I'm able to take care of myself without feeling the same level of guilt as I did before. I let others feel their emotions and don't enmesh myself in them. I'm able to step away from a situation that is triggering rather than trying to make it go away or trying to control it. I'm developing a relationship with a Higher Power that is always with me. I'm learning to let go of my will knowing that there is a plan for me. I'm able to recognize situations that aren't healthy for me and say "no". I'm learning to let people be angry. I'm learnign to TRUST myself.
I still struggle with many things. I often don't know where to start and procrastinate. I still have a very hard time upsetting people. I understand that adults are capable of dealing with their emotions but I don't like to hurt others. Even when I know the right thing to do for myself might be to let go of a relationship or walk away from a situation I still struggle to do that becuse I may upset that person or I may feel guilt or shame.
Goals. One thing I'm learning is that I never had real goals in my life. I rolled along doing the things I thought I was supposed to do. College, wife, kids, house, etc. And there was nothign wrong with those things but I wasn't really setting any life goals. Living paycheck-to-paycheck, not really travelling because I didn't prioritize it. No relationship goals, friendship goals, hobby goals, physical goals, nothing. There was nothign I was workign towards and so I always struggled with "what do I do next?" Sure there would be projects to do and things to occupy my time but there were no long-term goals..nothign that I could ground myself to and put effort into and feel the joy of achieving it. And really this is part of the lifeblood of living isn't it? Setting a goal, reaching, failing, reaching again, succeeding, celebrating the successes, grieving the losses.